Please refresh the page and retry. After losing someone you love, the idea of dating again can be almost unthinkable. Some people decide to never be in a relationship again, and many see that through. Others jump straight back into it, attempting to quickly remedy their feelings or find a replacement for their lost loved one. Understandably there is a natural desire to overcome loneliness, which, depending on the situation, can be completely unexpected.
I somehow, being an old romantic, envisioned us getting married someday, and me adopting her son as my own. This was very helpful to me. Thank you! Just wondering what people would think of a widower of 2 years who says he really likes you but needs to go slowly and asks for your understanding. I knew him a little bit years ago where we both worked at the same place when he was married.
He also mentioned that IF we ended up being married he wanted it to be a success and that I would not have to worry about any ghosts. We talked a lot at church and had 2 dates and it was after our second date he made the above comments. We still talked at church - he deliberately sought me out to talk for many months, but we did not date at all after that. Does this happen often or is this considered manipulative and controlling conversation?
I tend to think now he was not ready to move on. He is a very nice person and had a happy marriage for over 45 years.
I did not push him at all. I liked him before this but was just friendly and talked occasionally and very briefly to him. So I found this rather confusing. Any thoughts? You could simply ask him.
It would save you time. Thank you for this article; one of the better ones posted on the web. And the last thing I want to do is foist someone on them. That being said, I do respect people following their own path of what they feel needs to happen for them, even those who go out looking right away. My wife lost her mom in March of this year after a decade long illness. Her dad decided to start dating 3 weeks after his wife died. There was no funeral or memorial or anything.
Just had her remains cremated. It was a tough loss for my wife and her siblings and for him. My father in law had a good relationship with my wife. We all got along actually. Until he decided to date again. Does he have the right to a new relationship after his loss? So soon afterward? He is an adult as are we, and he is entitled to live his life. She is still grieving and the wounds are fresh. One day she decides she is ready to take that step and go over.
As she walks through the front door she finds her fathers new girlfriends belongings. Coats, shoes in the front door closet, she sees his home redecorated with little things here and there. She finds a few outfits of the girlfriend in her fathers bedroom closet where her mothers clothes were.
And makeup and various things of hers under his bathroom sink. He decided that her face was no longer welcome in his home anymore. Fast forward 4 and a half months later. In all this time he has dropped all contact with her despite her numerous phone calls, emails, fathers day cards, flowers and a 5 page letter to try and make things right. Dam right they can. But should they? In days past in our society and still in many cultures around the world, boundaries in grieving were instituted, because they respect EVERYONE involved in grieving the deceased.
A year of mourning used to be the norm in our culture. Our culture has lost sight of that. Well sure you can. But its an underlying selfish motive at its most basic level and gives little consideration to anyone else. How is this a good thing? I am sorry that your wife and her father are estranged. However, I stand by my views. I can agree with your some of your views to a point. In my wifes situation, her mothers belongings were everywhere in their family home. There was no snooping as you may have been led to believe.
She was permitted to go through her mothers belongings and was invited several times to do so. Its just unfortunate that her father instead of dealing with his grief has none other than decided to acquire a rebound girlfriend and shun the rest of the family for calling him out on it. His actions have shown much disrespect to my wifes family. Was that hard on us kids? Of course. He talked to each of us beforehand and we expressed our concerns, but then we let him live his life.
They celebrated their 23rd anniversary this year and are still going strong. On the other side of that coin, my own wife passed away at a relatively young age, and I remarried just over a year later. You and your wife have zero right to tell your father-in-law how he should or should not grieve, and you are the ones that have caused the rift in the family, not him. And yeah, I would probably have some not-very-nice things to say after that as well. For the sake of your family, I encourage you and your wife to sit down with your father-in-law, apologize for trying to run his life, and then make the best effort you can to get to know his new girlfriend - not as a replacement for your mother-in-law, but as her own person.
To StickDude Your message is probably pending approval but I wanted to reply to your comment. First and foremost let me offer my sympathies on the passing of your late mother and wife. Your thoughts and views on the topic at hand are indeed valuable as you have experienced both losses. I think in our situation it really boils down to the fact that my father in law is the type of person to make quick decisions and normally has not been the type of person to consider how his actions may affect others.
He is an adult approaching 60 and he certainly is entitled to live his life as he wishes. As a side note, the 1 year grieving subject never was brought up in conversation with him.
This was just an observation on my part, of times past that seemed to show respect and consideration to ALL persons involved in grieving the deceased. It is still practiced in many cultures around the world I might add.
In retrospect as my wife has discussed with me, her father has always placed honesty as a value of highest priority in his home and raising his family.
My wife and I both would have been okay with his new girlfriend, even though we are not happy with the timing, if he had just been honest about his involvement with her. We are all adults. I completely back my wife for feeling lied to and she is completely justified feeling betrayed by finding the new girlfriends things right next to her mothers belongings throughout her childhood home so shortly after her mom died.
We live blocks away from each other and would regularly visit 2 or 3 times a week and have for years. Now it has abruptly been changed from a place of family togetherness to being told we are both not welcome there anymore.
Again thank you for your perspective. I have and still am considering some of the ideas you have shared. I do wish you and your wife and father-in-law all the best and hope you are all able to work things out in the end. Lots of widowed folk date and even find new long term partners in the first year of widowhood.
There is no right way to grieve. No handbook. I lost my wife of 37 years 3 weeks ago. She had been ill for the past year with a disease that caused her body the destroy her own red blood cells.
This past year she had been givin a total of 18 units of blood, along with many infusions of chemo type products. When they would treat one symptom a different symptom would pop up. We always thought they would get it cured but we were still realistic enough to know it could all go bad at anytime. Which it did. They say what happened to her had a. My point is, even though we were sure it would be all right we still talked about what-if.
So for the past 6 months with that in mind we discussed it both ways her or me. So we made plans for both of us. Bottom line is that we agreed that the other one must go on with life. We talked about most everything.
Selling property, the other one relocating closer to our kids. But one of the most important things was they the other one should not live the rest their life alone.
And never feel bad about going on with their life in the best way possible. One of which is to find someone the share my life with. Not a replacement. A new partner in life. I am very confident she would approve. I am sorry for your loss. You are fortunate though that you had the time together to really talk about what you wanted for each other. Very precious gift. Thanks for sharing this with me.
It has only been 6 weeks, I am widowed at I lost my husband unexpectedly 13 days short of our 8th wedding anniversary. We had been together for I was appalled by this behavior!
Now I sit in an identifiable situation as to losing a spouse. Let me say this from my own experiencethe Loneliness a widow feels is excruciating. The word lonely is putting it mildly. This is how I ended up here, reading, postingetc My heart still is hurting, my brain is still trying to wrap my head around it, my loneliness now is what I feel on a constant.
So as far as others opinions, like in-laws,children or even old friendsunless you have walked in my shoes on my path of lonelinessI want everyone to realize how lonely loneliness actually is. I lost my husband 10 months ago. I miss him every day and think about him constantly I started dating about 5 months after his funeral. I am so sorry about the negativity from your husbands family. My son also has received the same, as well as his new partner.
They both have children from their marriages. They both, including children, attend a griving group together. His lady partner was hit with the loss suddenly. Both come from different angles. Both were given a second chance to love again.
The loss will always be there for them but to love is gain. My husband just passed 3 weeks ago. Im a widow at age We were married 29 years and I married him in high school.
He and us is all I have ever known. I just feel like I am in a whirlwind and overwhelmed with decision-making finances, stuff, relationships. I feel like my life has never been so disorganized. Thank you for your post. Dear one, I do know your loneliness as I too lost my first husband at age 42 and now 3 and a half months ago, my second husband. It still hurts knowing it was going to happen or something that happened suddenly.
I have had both experiences. Life gives us all unexpected stories. We need to realize we are in charge of that life and move forward as best we can. It is easy to tell someone not to be lonely or sad when they may not have ever gone through the same experience. The only things that I found that helped was keeping busy and being around people. That does not necessarily mean having a job or being with family. It really is a difficult place to be. So give yourself some time and as people were telling me, take care of yourself.
Bless all of you going through this painful time. Let time work for you.
Apr 11, Today we're going to start with a post for a special subset of non-grievers and that is the men and women out there who are dating widows and widowers. If you don't understand why this article is necessary, I'll tell you, the majority of emails we receive on this topic are not from widow/widowers themselves, but from the people who are.
Take time to heal! I started dating a widower 5 months after his wife had passed. He started dating about a month after she died.
He had a few very short relationships. We dated for 6 months then he fell into deep depression. He decided he did not know if he loved me as he confused about all his feelings due to the depression. He states he knows that he deeply cares about me.
I had just finally been welcomed by his kids and his friends who were also close to his wife.
Dating for Widows: Embracing a New Beginning
It was a rocky beginning in that respect. We had a great relationship. Lots of love and loving acts. People would comment all the time, that they could tell we had a special bond his friends and mine. When he went into depression he said he needed a break. It has been a month and I am heart broken. He is still in depression and does not see the light.
He says he wanted and wants our relationship to work past this. We are not together now. I truly love him and want to be understanding.
He states he thinks his grief took over and has pulled him into this depression. He wants to be better. I guess I just need some words of encouragement. We have so much in common and had a great love, that we both miss. When we dated he took off is wedding ring, took down pictures not all of course, mostly in his room where we were intimate started to move forward.
I tried not to push him. The one thing I did tell him was that I did not feel comfortable in his room until it was only his room. I told him there was no time limit, it could be weeks, months, years. It just made me feel so weird, as if we were having an affair. He had taken most of the stuff down before this conversation but apparently this conversation triggered his depression.
He said I am not to blame, it was bound to happen. Just remember this is your life and relationship too. Keep your best interests in mind. I hope things work out the way you want them to. Realize grief does not have a time limit. So easy to say but hard to follow. Is he seeing anyone for his depression? Has he been to a grief counselor? And not just an everyday counselor! They need to be a very strong counselor in adult grieving. Sounds like he needs to be on some meds not a bad thing as it may put him in a clearer focus as to what he is experiencing but not get in his way of healing.
You are a strong person to realize he needs some space but at the same time you want to be there for him. Hard place to be! That is a hard time for the grieving. Best of luck to you both. Grieving is a very difficult experience to go thru. Hang in there with him.
He WILL appreciate it. Grieving does not start always at the instant of death. Watching someone with a serious long term disease over the years is grieving, too. The time of grieving is experienced by the one who lives with his spouse. This is an old post, but I just wanted to leave a comment and say how much this blog has helped me. My mother-in-law passed away just over four months ago, and my father-in-law started seeing his next door neighbor, if I had to guess, a couple months ago.
I think my sister-in-law and I have struggled with it the most, although I know it bugs my husband. It upset all of us. I honestly started to believe she had her eyes on him the whole time my mil was ill and was just using him.
I became upset to the point of tears and imagined every nasty thing I could say to both of them. Why was I taking this so personally?
I wanted him to move on and be happy, but only when we deemed it appropriate and with a woman WE approved of. How silly is that? I get it. That would just cause resentment. I do feel that we all deserve the time we need to grieve, so if my husband or sil is not ready to have her over for their Bdays, then I feel his father and gf should be respectful of that.
When can a widow start dating
And I believe his father will be. Anyway, I appreciate your writings on this topic. So, thanks.
The way you felt is how most family feels more or less. Let her succeed or fail on her own merits. Hi, my wife passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. We were together for 7 years but she was sick for over 4 of those years.
I have a very positive outlook and while I miss my wife a lot, I feel that I am young and I want to make the most of my life.
I guess I need to set up a proper profile and start chatting to women and going on a few dates. One thing I have noticed that I am getting a bit more attention from single ladies recently. I was out in a bar recently with friends and I met someone I dated years ago. She is single and was very chatty and ended up moving to sit close to where we were, etc.
Then added me as a friend on FB a day later.
I have had a few similar encounters recently also. I have met some really nice ladies in social settings, some for the first time and others who I know, who are extremely nice and very considerate and had some really nice conversations with but I was unsure if they were just being nice to me because I am a widower or whether they are actually interested in dating, etc.
One person really interests me. I know her for years but not very well.
She is divorced with kids and I recently met her a few times while out socially. She was very friendly and we had a few nice conversations and she asked how I am getting on and some stuff about my late wife.
She is very pretty and we have a lot of mutual friends and interests so I feel it might work. I will be meeting her again in a few weeks at an event. What should I do?
You should ask her out to coffee or something else that low-pressure. Interesting article. My wife who was my best friend died in January We had been high school sweethearts and best friends for 30 years. Her death was sudden and unexpected.
My children and I are very close. We grieved hard for several weeks. I meanreal hard. There were days I felt like I could not breathe. As a few months passed I realized I had a few options. I could marinate in my sadness which i had been doingI could end my own life, or I could attempt to move my life forward.
I chose the third option and slowly attempted to get my life in order. I grieve every day. I cry every day. I will never completely get over the loss i suffered. I love my late wife and I always will. In a moment of lonely weakness, I created a profile on a dating app. I made sure to be clear that I was recently widowed.
I made a few friends and met a couple people for drinks. One in particular, I have fallen for. We have a great time together. We really seemed to click.
I knew it was way too soon only a few months after my wife died. I was open with my daughters about what I was doing and at first they were supportive. When it was just an idea, or just texting with a new friendthey were fine. They are not too happy about it. They have, the entire time, refused to meet her. Even during the friend stage. She wants me around, just in case her friends leave and she needs something. So that tears me up.
I never wanted to hurt either of them. We have both suffered different loss. She lost a mom. She was eventually leaving the house and leaving her mom and me to pursue her own life. I lost a spouse. I was eventually going to spend the rest of my life with her mom and have a lifelong companion. I was not ever planning on leaving that. I plan on continuing to date this girl and hope that eventually my daughters will understand.
I will tell my in-laws about it and go public to everyone in a couple months. That will be the 6 month mark. I know people will judge me.
I feel it already. People will always tell you they want you to get better, feel better, and keep your life moving forward. But, everyone has their own idea of how that looks and if you differ from their ideathe will judge you. All i can do is follow my heart and do what i think is right. Her feelings and viewpoint are perfectly normal and so are yours.
Extend invites. My husband and his youngest played on a rec volleyball team together. Things generally work out. Time, patience and occasionally reminding everyone that you are still an adult capable of deciding what he wants for himself.
Please, may I share some insights? I lost a dear friend almost three years ago. Her husband also a dear friend found a new love in six months and remarried six months after that.
Just six months after her death he was crazy in love again and acting like a teenager, he was so giddily happy. THAT is exactly what killed me-I was, and am, still grieving her loss and he replaced her in 26 mere weeks! And I mean he did, indeed, replace her by his actions and words. I could not attend the wedding and have since drifted away from our friendship. So I grieve that loss too. His first wife of 27 years is truly dead and gone. I never saw him look at his first wife the way he looks at his new one.
He claims he deeply loved my friend, but like I said, I never saw him treat her the way he does the new one. The ache of loss is still wretched for me and her family and friends. Your daughters can never replace their mom-that ache and loss is unending.
Watching you move on when they cannot is beyond expression in depth and anguish. We remain in the abyss of pain and sorrow while he and you are now in utter merriment, passion and joy. It hurts. It hurts on top of the existing hurt more than you can comprehend. Yes, you deserve to find happiness. The least you can do is validate their pain and listen with an open heart to their concerns. Take their counsel into consideration. My heart goes out to you all; well, mostly your daughters whose grief cannot be eased by your new girlfriend, and in fact, is worsened.
That gives them a feeling that something in all this sadness is in their control, which is so very necessary in the months and years ahead. Remember, when your wife suddenly died your family was irrevocably changed in a sad and devastating way.
Then when you bring a new person into your heart and life, you further change it irrevocably. No one was ready for the first change, and only you are ready for the second. The rest are still in the days when it hurts to breathe. But I stand by my assertion that granting our children veto power over our personal lives is a bad idea always. I was adopted. Aside from my youngest, I have no blood ties to anyone that I know of.
All relationships to me are a choice. And I chose to marry their Dad - who willingly accepted fatherhood again his kids were grown and mine was in preschool and I saw no reason not to do the same. Even though they were grieving, they decided that the long term was more important than the short-term and they accepted, supported and moved on with us rather than disappearing or trying to make trouble.
I was 11 months out when I met my husband and he was just four. We were friends and then we decided to pursue a relationship. All family, friends and most importantly, our children were kept in the loop. Six months later we married. We will celebrate our tenth anniversary soon. One last thing I want to address. Widowed people I know who have remarried and I know many however, often take the time to express their feelings more than they did because they know how precarious life is and that it can be over in an instant.
Thanks for sharing Jennifer. I lost the one person I was supposed to grow old with, spend my golden years with, share my deepest thoughts and dreams with for the rest of my life.
I lost the every day of my life for the rest of my life person. This loss is so much different than anything anyone not in this position can possibly begin to understand. Had I not been in this position myself, I can see how someone could miss understand the whole thing. I recognized that I would have judged someone in my position a little too.
But, having lived through it from this end, I seen things a little different. I hardly feel that is fair to request the person who must trudge forward in this situation they did not foresee being in, to do so in a somber manner at all times so you are not offended. I agree with Ann when she says that the survivor sees life as being short and fleeting.
If I find something in my remaining time on earth could seriously only be minutes that I love, should I not embrace that and love it fully. Maybe the surviving spouse learned a valuable lesson about being more affectionate with loved ones while they are still alive not true in my case as my late wife and I were very affectionate and told each other how much we loved one another on a daily, if not more, basis.
I will grieve that loss for the rest of my life. I still cry every day.
I still think about her every day. I know that It will be a long time before I could consider myself a completely whole person again.
Everything was going good for about three or four months until his year-old daughter left her husbanwho was beating her and moved in with her three-year-old son.
Is this worth staying in or are we both going to end up hurt? I am 68 and was divorced 34 years ago. I was familiar with this widower and late wife only as an observer some 14 years ago. His wife passed 2. This past September, after me being the recipient of some nice comments from him, he asked if I would like to go out to another dance on the weekend, saying he found me to be very attractive and wanted to get to know me more. My heart was about to burst. That he is not into wanting friends with benefits and that he wants to keep things upfront and that he feels honesty is the best way.
With that he also said that he does see other womenagain friends without benefits. They hold hands and cuddle watching TV and moviesand a kiss goodnight. He is fond of her and thankful for her because of how she was there for him but not fond of her as in a romantic relationship way. She has wanted a relationship with him however.
I think she is patiently waiting that things will change as so often women will do even in a so called platonic relationship without benefits. Now there is also a third woman. Maybe so at this point, but she may just be secretly buying time and hoping things will change.
Long story short, we went a little further. He still sees that holding hands and arms around the other as a none issue. He always wants to be my friend and wants me in his life. I told him of my feelings and crush on him of months long before. I have cried and cried. I was hoping to get some advice on my current situation and would appreciate any input you can offer.
10 dating tips for widows and widowers
We are in our 30s and met around 4 months ago. He was exceptionally keen from the beginning and said whilst he had been through some tough times, he was feeling really good and wanted to move on with his life. I was the first person he had dated since his partner passed away. We text and spoke for several weeks, went on some amazing dates and got on so well. I really wish I had asked him sooner.
After the relationship became more physical, I felt him step back a bit. He has always been a bit closed in the sense that things seem to have to get to an extreme point before he will talk about his feelings. We continued to have a nice time etc but there were times where he went quiet for a day or so then came back with excuses about work etc though Im pretty sure he was struggling with his feelings. In early December he said that he was struggling with the thought of the holiday period as it brought back too many memories and he was having feelings of guilt at being in a relationship.
I decided to give him some space him after initially sending a few messages saying I was thinking of him and hoped he was ok. My instinct is to leave him alone and let him come back when he is ready. I would feel horrible if this was left with no closure and consequently I feel quite a lot of resentment currently. I really wish I had asked him more about his situation early on but having never been in this situation before I wanted to let it happen when he was ready.
So similar although our ages are much further apart. I just posted on my situation. It is so hard after all of these years of not being with anyone. I hope yours comes around and gets back to you soon. Best wishes. I am living with a widower who is 9 years my senior. His wife passed away three and a half years ago after a lengthy cancer battle. When I met him he had a wedding ring on and the house was left with all of her things neatly in place.
In fact, in their vacation home all of her things that were left there as well. After we dated for a bit, maybe a month, he took off the wedding band and began to remove some of the photos. I expressed that so many made me feel uncomfortable. I stated that one photo in the home out for everyone to see would be fine with me.
However, more than that and I would be uncomfortable. He removed some, but has left some in his office and that bothers me. He has been charming, graceful and I m in love with him. When my love met his wife and when they were married, her daughter was already married. My love did not raise this woman. I do understand that through his grief she and her children were there to help him at times. They grieved together. My issue is that they are always texting and talking daily, sometimes hourly.
Its constant. He shares funny things with her that he has shared with me. When she sees him she gets her body right next to him to hug him. In fact, I feel that she has sexually manipulated him. I have told him that I am VERY uncomfortable with their relationship and this this woman needs to back off and that he needs to respect me. He says that he feels like she is his daughter. Still I could see that point if he raised her. He did not. He has a home in Florida that his deceased wife bought before she died and the daughter used to bring it up regularly that the house belonged to her mother and that her mother wished she and her brother get the house.
I feel like she just want stuff even though they both received a pretty good chunk of money as an inheritance when their mother died. When I cleaned out both homes in the beginning my love ad I did this together the first timeI was very respectful and handled everything with care and love. I gave all the items to the daughter. I am having a very difficult time accepting them as his grandfather and her as his daughter. But in order to make things better I told him that I would try to be a part of this.
However, things are not good. I explained to him the way to make me feel more a part of this would be to include me in conversations. They included me in a text between the three of us but they are still talking with each other on the side and I am very uncomfortable with it.
The group text is fake and full of just nothing real. They just tolerate me. The oldest daughter of this woman is very fake with me. In front of my love she jumps all over him and kisses him times and then looks back at me to see if I am looking. I just smile.
But it sickens me. Someone, anyone have any advice? She has been a widow for a very short period of time and he passed during them being seperated. I was actually seeing her during the separation and subsequent passing. I know i probably need to give her distance but when she wants to see me i get excited for a chance to see her. She really is wonderful and i feel i want to build more with her. I started seen a widower almost 6 months ago, at the time he was widowed for 10 months.
On the anniversary of her death he asked for some space which I gave him and let him contact me when he was ready. I agreed to it because honestly I was having the most fun I have had in years with him. He spoke once in a while of his wife, there were a few pictures in their house, which does not bother me at all. He would say and do things that lead me to believe as well as some close friends who knew if the situation, that he does like me but is afraid of what others would say or that he felt guilty.
We celebrated my birthday which was the beginning of November together it was really nice. I know Thanksgiving was their favorite holiday. Before this we would text almost everyday, now he only text me when I text him which was only 2 times. I like him a lot even though I am not supposed to, and I keep getting theses signs that make me think if him. Should I tell him how I feel? Both his words and his actions are telling you this. Guys who are ready for you and who want you and know this will pursue you to the ends of the earth.
They are not conflicted. They are not blowing hot and cold. They are sure, and they make sure that you are sure. This guy? He may be fantastic. He may be a prince. But his timing is not on your side. I am dating a widow who is 16 months into the process after losing her husband. We met nine months after her losing her husband. We enjoyed our time together and during that time however during the first few months we broke things off a couple times.
Was it too early? Was she just trying to fill a void? Could she actually feel this way about another person after loving someone so deeply? She struggled a great deal trying to sort through the feelings. I became very attached to her and she struggled with not only my feelings but also her own regarding me. It really was difficult for her as she thought primarily about how this would affect her kids who were adults.
The last thing she wanted to do was hurt the children as they have already gone through so much. She also had fears about putting herself out there again with the idea that she could be hurt again by someone having health concerns and dying also.
We had gotten to a point where it was either we were going to acknowledge the feelings or move on without each other.
After a break for weeks she came back to me and said she wanted to work on things. The key thing though for me was that somehow blending needed to take place in an appropriate time frame. She was always feeling like she was living two separate lives. One that she was enjoying and trying to move forward in her life and a second one of a grieving wife and mother.
She cared a great deal about how people felt regarding all of this. Family, kids, and even friends. When is the timing right to start dating? Why worry about what others are saying? She was a caregiver for many years for a husband that was older than she was. In a way grieving had started prior to his death to a degree. She had a great deal of loss in her life including a parent in the middle of all of this taking place.
So she has had mixed support regarding the idea of dating. A few comments they have been questionable from friends, and even family. So here we are just passing a major holiday with Thanksgiving and it felt like emotions were unbelievably high. Because of the challenge with blending we were not able to spend it together out of respect for one of the kids. Again these kids are all adults but one is struggling with accepting the fact that she is dating again. So we spent it apart and got back together last night and there was an extreme amount of emotion going on.
I have dated women that have gone through divorces and dealing with those types of issues however dealing with loss is completely different. It takes a very unique individual to navigate through the various challenges that can be presented.
One of them is if your partner is not great at communicating what is going on in their mind during their grieving. I tend to be the type of person that will talk through any issue which may be unusual for men. I can relate to so many of the questions you ask yourself. His wife passed one year ago today. We met online when unbenownst to me a month after her passing. His father had lived in their home and passed 5 months before his wife, and he was a caretaker to the both along with family and hospice.
When I found out how soon after it was I said we should just be friends. I dated and we did become closer. He was the confidant and companion I needed at that time, and I was the same for him. Looking on his FB I would become insecure. What can I ask and not ask about pictures? How could he ever love me as much as he loved her.? Will every holiday be like this now?
Every birthday, anniversary, deathiversary? Her birthday is in the same month as mine. When everyone said they will be together in heaven someday, I think what will happen to me if we have a future? Today people are reaching out and sending him notes saying they are thinking of him and missing her, knew Christmas was her favorite time of yearChristmas is my favorite time of year also, as Im sure it is for many. She and I had similar music tastes as well. So I miss out with having him because of a ghost?
And then I hate myself for feeling it and thinking it. I think she even cheated. Her own family and friends have said this. Yet the pictures and his grief tell a different story. He has a tattoo on his chest of her face from when he was deployed way back in I feel selfish. He is not a man who freely discusses his feelings. So what in the heck is my problem! Thank you. I have to say alot of your story is also mine.
I date a widower who lost his wife also three years ago. We have done everything together, we live together, bought a house together and I always have embraced his wife as part of us because it is part of him. He is recovering well and will make a full recovery. My heart broke. I have had very little insecurity, jealous or whatever that is called.
I have always believed we were brought together to live our lives together and we are a great couple. I know that. I am reeling right now and am preparing for him to be released tomorrow from the hospital. I know I need perspective and I am trying to find it.
I am dating and love dance clubs. The best thing for me was to join an active widows club, some are national, in your community also, and I had done thing with them and meet people there. I keep up my fitness. Some people meet at widows clubs. I do light body building and have spa days often, even at the local beauty school and am dating a man 12 yrs.
We have wonderful communication skillsoutdoor skills, dance events, and we love doing things in groups. We will start disaster relief teams and go around the country for service. I like all military men and have found another. I do not know if I will marry again butto share, widows clubs, not grief medical center groups have helped be.
Both are important, for me, I wanted to be active. You can choose to be as young or old as you want to be. God so kind this Man brought my Lover back In less than 3 days, i saw wonders, my Lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle am so happy.
My Beautiful and giving wife and friend, Nancy passed away last Dec 3r right after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, as these holidays hold no bearing to me any longer, I understand that as humans, we are here for a short time and then we leave, it is the nature of things, however I believe that the end of human existence is only one part of the journey that we are all on, and that maybe physically I am unable to see her, I can still hear her calling my name, JIm-Jim-Jim LOL, I love her more then anything on this planet and beyond, more then my own existence, therefore I have made a conscious decision to stay married to My Lovely Bride, as nothing has changed, only the physicality is different, I will be with her one day, I know that!
I can hardly wait, but until then we will remain a married couple, and we will live on here and there, wherever it may be? A lot to digest here. My best to all, believe me. That morning. It is up to my God if it is to happen again someday.
I have just been reading all of the posts and cannot find anything that quite fits my situation. I am a 59 year old widow of 7 years, I was a caregiver for my husband for 5 years and then 18 months later became the caregiver for my mother until the her death along with my stepfather a month apart early During this process my relationship with my youngest brother was severed due to family matters.
My husband and I were together for 12 years but had been friends since we were 16, coming in and out of each others lives until we married. I had a 7 year old son who grew to love and adore my husband, which helped us become a bonded family.
My husband had other children but they were not a huge part of our lives but we all got along. Many complications through our relationship like many marriages but we worked through them. I started dating a friend a year after I lost my husband. Please understand I loved my husband but I had been grieving the loss of him over the 5 years I took care of him. I still miss him as I do my parents and occasionally I have breakdowns of tears, sadness just wish I could talk to him.
This man that I have been dating for 6 years struggles with my sadness, my memories, etc about my husband so I have tried to keep my feeling about that hidden until this last month. I was dreaming about my husband, having conversations with him and just missing our closeness friendship Then I realized that I was keeping all of this to myself and I felt like I was keeping something from my boyfriend.
I do love him and I have never made a comparison of them or my love for either. It has no bearing on how I feel about him. Our relationship is on extremely rocky ground right now. I do know that after telling him, even with all of the consequences, I felt relieved. Feel free to send me a message and we exchange pictures and maybe someday coffee.
Hello Marcus I trust you will find happiness in love again. I understand. Please respond if you wish. Single in NC. I dated a widower for two and a half months this past summer. It was a very sudden and unexpected relationship.
I knew who he was and actually taught one of his sons about 15 years ago he is 24 now. We had a wonderful couple of months together and got to know each other very well. Our communication was excellent. It was a very passionate, healhty, and respectful relationship. He spoke often about his late wife whom I knew earlier as the teacher of her child and I was very open about my children. We both agreed that our children come first and that if any issues should arrise with our children i.
I shared with him early on my anxiety about me having young children 8 and 11 and his being older 22 and He told me not to lose sleep over it and encouraged me to relax about the issue.
After letting my guard down and allowing the relationship to proceed, he ended up breaking things off because his boys started to get him thinking about the fact that I have young boys. He is a little older than me and moving into retirement mode a little sooner than I would be as well.
He said maybe he would feel differently in a month but he did not want to lead me on and hurt me. I know he is very genuine and I respect his decision. However, we really connected and cared for each other. We ended up seeing and being with each other a few times in the six weeks following the break-up and found it difficult to be apart. He kept saying he is trying to figure things out. She had a terrible battle with cancer.
I am lost. I am trying to accept this. I think maybe the whole relationship was too soon for him. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. How do I read him?
Was it too soon? There are so many things I can relate to with your experience. I love d this woman widow more than anyone I have ever been in relationship with. We lasted about a year and it was amazing, but I am not anything like her departed husband from 2 years ago if that really matters as I was not trying to be a replacement for him.
She also told me if it were just her and I things would be different. Needless to say there is much heartbreak from my side and possibly hers as well. All you can probably really do is to let him be, wish him well and know if it is not him there will be someone come into your life and you will see why things worked out the way they have.
As hard as it is though, maybe it is the best for all of you. You will find your partner on the path doing the things you love. Seeking advice. He has no children as his late wife was 16 years older than him. I thought he had gone through the grieving process as her death was not sudden. It was a long battle with cancer. He always wanted children, but she was unable to have any and that pains him a great deal and the fact that I have three kids myself scares him because he gets attached to kids very easily and it would kill him if he met mine and we broke up.
Would it be wise to ask him to tell me about her? About them? I have met a widower and he and I, share that we have both gone through a devastating loss. It is a very new relationship, and one of the things that we have in common is that we know how grief affected the person left behind. It is a relief to be able just to be yourself and to have open and honest frank conversations about the depths of grief and how we do our best to live a life as best as we can without our partner or child.
I am hopeful, its been nearly five years for the both of us and I think that we will are about to embark on something exceptional. Neither one of us will ever replace the family member we lost, but we can help each other find happiness in caring and committed way. I never thought I would be dating a widower, and I am sure he was not planning on meeting someone who had lost a child within the same period of loss. Only time will tell if we can find a happy ever after, following such loss and tragedy in our lives.
I will keep you all posted as to how we get on. One thing I will say to each individual who has experienced loss, and to those dating someone has suffered a loss. Life is too short, and we have to try our best to find happiness and contentment in our lives. Please help, my best friend died of cancer two years back. Five months down the road, her husband called me and said he wanted to meet and talk to me. We met and after long conversation pertaining our experiences on our beloved ones, he changed the story and told me he wanted to fall in love with me infact to marry me.
I was so shocked.
My questions to him were. Is that why you called me? Is it not too early for you to begin thinking of remarrying? He said he would give it time.
Two years down the road, I thought the man had already forgotten and moved on with his life but the man is back to me and very serious in a relationship. He tells me that there is no other person that he knows very well other than me. I have been a very good friend to his wife and even their children give me respect. I have been with them through thin and thick.
However, I came to know him through his wife because she was my best friend then she introduced me to the family. This man has never ask for love from me when the wife was still alive. I am a single mother of a daughter aged 25 years. I feel I am used to my own life and very comfortable with it but the man does not want to give me space. I also feel I will be betraying my friend though she is gone. What do I do?. I am a widow dating a widower. We both have children, and I am a year ahead in my loss then him.
Everything always seems to be in such a good place, but I find that he and his children grieve differently then my children and I. This is not really an issue, everyone grieves differently. Just wanted to hear others thoughts on this. I am a widower, my wife died 5 months ago.
I spent 1 month in seclusion and mourned her passing. We were married for 36 years and had two children, and two grandchildren. Life was great until she got sick and died. I loved her very much and treated her like a queen. She kept busy after her husband died and it sounds like she did not grieve.
She had a series of relationships that did not last. Now I am the only boyfriend that has lasted for over a month. She has taken me to meet her daughter and 3 grandchildren locally. Then she is taking me out of town to meet her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. I love this woman, but I am not sure she loves me as much as I love her. We are leaving in a few days time to meet her son and his family. The meeting with her daughter and her family went very well.
Mike its too early for you to be dating. But 5 months after your wife died is too soon, even if you spent 1 whole month in secluded mourning. One of the big things widow er s are warned against is starting new romantic relationships too soon.
Its very tempting because we have a big empty spot in our life where our spouse used to be. We sooo much want that void filled again! I dated a widower for over 8 years living together for 7. From day one his adult children made it difficult. I have not had 1 birthday or xmas card nor been permitted to meet his 3 grandchildren. I was treated like filth while my family welcomed him with open arms.
To cut a long story short his life was made so difficult seeing grandchildren etc that he left me. I am in utter devestation and feel so used.
Before you can adjust to living as a widow, you need to allow yourself time to process all you've been through. Whether you ascribe to the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) you will likely experience a swell of emotions that run the gamut. Aug 26, 10 dating tips for widows and widowers a number of apps and dating websites such as Widows Dating Online, The Widow Dating Club and Widowed Singles Near Me are Author: Tome Morrissy-Swan. Sep 07, thoughts on " Dating While Widowed: How Soon Is Too Soon I think everyone is different but I was married 18 years and lost my husband of brain cancer and I became a widow at the age of 37 and I started dating a year after he had passed and that was not enough time I did meet a guy really liked well and when we go out on dates I would.
Perhaps I was a band aid for 8 years. Sad thing is we shared everything and loved each other s much but evidently I was nothing compared to the ghost!! Unless you have in fact been in a relationship with a widow or widower you cannot give professional advice. Just like someone not married giving marital advice or someone who doesnt have children giving parenting advice. I have been seeing a widower for about 5 years. His wife has been gone for over 8.
He wants me to move in with him. His son recently was in the hospital. Same hospital his wife died in, and says he gets depressed every time he goes up there. To me, he makes it about him and not anyone else. There are other things that he works the same way. What should I do? You arent being understanding enough.
Of course the hospital his wife died in will make him depressed everytime he is there. It reminds him of death! The fact that his son was there is making him anxious because it brings up memories of death and how his son might die too.
He isnt making it about himself, he is merely expressing how he feels to someone who thought understands him. I feel you are the one not ready to be in a relationship with a widower. My husband of 20 years was murdered in I have attending hos murder trial, I have been fighting for justice for him, mobilizing his comrades to help me fight.
We even made partu regallia bearing his photo since he was a politician. We all planned to wear these on the trial dates. From that experience, she created a grief support group and wrote a book about the grieving process called " Heart-Broken Open. Although dating is not the reason her readers visit the site or buy her book, it is a topic of discussion that comes up and is addressed, and Carlson, who is grandmother to two young boys, does have a lot to say about it.
She found a companion, he was long-distance, and there was sex involved. She felt lonely and wanted the companionship, so she let it be that. I just know what I needed. It took Carlson more than a year before she would put herself out there on the dating block, and she only went there because she felt like it was time.
She was ready. Listen to it. It might be that all you need is a vibrator. This new time alone with yourself gives you the best opportunity to explore your own needs, your own body, your own desires. Plus, a vibrator will keep you from having random sexual encounters that might put your health in jeopardy.
One way to heal it is to acknowledge it and grant yourself permission to live your new life.